Books, pt. 4: The Education of H*Y*M*A*N K*A*P*L*A*N

The Education of H*Y*M*A*N K*A*P*L*A*N is a charming, short novel from 1937, by Leonard Q. Ross, actual Jewish name Leo Rosten, who taught ESL in New York. It has no real plot - I think it was originally a series of short stories - but each chapter is another episode from the tribulations of Mr. Parkhill, who gamely tries to teach English to a bunch of my very distant cousins. His most remarkable student is H*Y*M*A*N K*A*P*L*A*N, as he invariably writes his own name, in crayon, with blue outlines around the red letters. Mr. Kaplan’s English never seems to improve, but he loves class anyway:

“No, sir!” cried Mr. Kaplan impetuously. “‘Good, gooder, goodest? It’s to leff!”
“We say that X, for example, is good. Y, however, is–?” Mr. Parkhill arched an eyebrow interrogatively.
“Batter!” said Mr. Kaplan.
“Right! And Z is–?”
“High-cless!”

Mr. Kaplan always has the last word:

“Maybe isn’t ‘Heng yoursalf in resaption hall” altogadder a mistake,” Mr. Kaplan murmured dreamily. “If som pipple came to mine house dat vould maybe be exactel vat I should say.”